The Uses of Humiliation

I hope the title of this entry intrigues you enough to make you read this post in its entirety. The word "Humility" sounds so beautiful, so applaudable...but what about the word "humiliation?" This word brings uneasiness to my spirit, a desire to flee. Why do I so readily separate these two concepts...Read on, as Fenelon as helped me better understand the Uses of Humiliation:

"What a mercy is humiliation to a soul that receives it with steadfast faith! There are a thousand blessings in it for ourselves and for others, for our Lord bestows his grace upon the humble. Humility makes us charitable toward our neighbor. Nothing will make us so generous and merciful to the faults of others as seeing our own.

Two things produce humility when they are put together: The first is the sight of the abyss of wretchedness from which the all-powerful hand of God has snatched us, and over which he still holds us, as it were, suspended in the the air. The other is the presence of that God who is All.

Our faults, even those most difficult to bear, will all be of service to us, if we make use of them for our humiliation, without relaxing our efforts to correct them. It does no good to be discouraged. That is only the result of a disappointed and despairing self-love. The true method of profiting from the humiliation of our faults is to see them in all their deformity without losing our hope in God and without having any confidence in ourselves.

We must bear with ourselves without either flattery or discouragement, although we seldom achieve this happy median. We either expect great things of ourselves and of our good intentions, or else we wholly despair. We must hope for nothing from self, but wait for everything from God. Convicted of our helplessness, we have no confidence in ourselves, and yet we have unbounded confidence in God. These are the true foundations of the spiritual edifice.

Those who are truly humble will be surprised to hear anything exalted of themselves. They are calm and peaceable, of a contrite and humble heart, merciful and compassionate. They are quiet, cheerful, obedient, watchful, fervent in spirit, and incapable of strife. They always take the lowest place, rejoice when they are despised, and consider everyone better than themselves. They are lenient to the faults of others in view of their own and very far from preferring themselves before anyone. We may thus judge our progress in humility by the delight we have in humiliations and contempt."
--Francois Fenelon

With these thoughts in mind...I am learning just how quick I am to resist any sort of humiliation for the sake of my Jesus or even for the sake of defending the hopeless. I am realizing just how selfish my day to day life is. I am learning just how humble I am NOT.

So help me Jesus...For I must become lesser...but even so Father, even here I struggle...may it not be about me becoming lesser...but all about renowning Your name as greater than...the more than...

Ever Changing...Still Remaining

Wow. What a whirlwind. I don't do this often...and I don't really plan to start now...but I feel like I should update you on what all is happening in my life. So this post will be a little different than the norm from me...in simple hopes of giving you a better glimpse of where I will be coming from as I continue to write over the next several months. I'll try my hardest not to be too vague...and I will include some of my writings throughout this entry from last few weeks.

I should probably start with the fact that I finished up college at Texas A&M. What a sweet four years that I had in College Station. I wrote this a few weeks ago...As I say goodbye, may I do so trusting each soul, each relationship, each one, into Your loving hands. Thank you for the ones You have given me in this city Jesus, thank you. Thank you for the ones who have loved me, encouraged me, challenged me, taught me, led me, counseled me, frustrated me, trusted me, held me, kept me, questioned me, listened to me, believed in me, prayed for me...thank you. Thank you for letting me dwell amongst and serve alongside a few of Your most precious children. Words do little here...I wish I could put my heart on this page...I wish I could expose the depths of gatitude that I am feeling....Words fail me in this moment.

I'm certain that at some point I will miss my college days, but honestly...I was ready for the next season. If you know me, you know I hate goodbyes...so four years of goodbyes was miserable, and I am glad to have all of that behind me.

Here they are...the girls I have lived with for the past 3 years (Sarah, 4 years). Yep, thats right...six girls, three years...simply a miracle :)



Saying goodbye to this family was by far my most difficult goodbye. I wept. Literally. This family has become so, so dear to me over the past few years. I will dedicate an entire entry to them soon. Tay Tay (age 13) is the girl that I have discipled the past two years. Her siblings are RoRo (age 11), Keke (age 8), and Ricky (age 6). I LOVE THESE KIDS. Gwen, the single mother of 4, has blessed me time and time again - I cannot begin to tell you how the Lord has worked in this family in recent days.



Anyway...Within three days of finishing college...I packed up my life in College Station, moved to Dallas, and started working. I am living with a phenomenal woman, who recently lost her husband, Ms. Bailey. I cannot tell you how excited I am about this...so much wisdom, so fun, so in love with Jesus, and so so committed to discipleship. What a blessing.

I am working at Dallas Heart Group, under a group of eight cardiologists. My first week went well, and I am already learning so much...Welcome to the real world Katie, I begin my commute to work every morning at 6:45 am (which allows for a Starbucks stop on the way). Good thing I love the mornings :)

I am still pondering the future days ahead...PA school? PT school? California? Tampa? Dallas? Kansas City? Australia? Triathlon? Traveling? Inner city ministry? A seminary class or two? Publishing a book? Marathon training? Going abroad? Who knows where this girl is going. If you think you know...fill me in please :)

Ok, now that I feel like I have completed a somewhat pointless, yet necessary post...stay tuned for me writing soon.

I refuse to stifle the cry in my heart, the very cry You placed there. Come...come write Your name upon my heart. Etch your seal upon my Spirit. Consume my mind. Anoint my prayers with the oil of Your Spirit. Oh Jealous God, take away all that hinders the beauty of Your love and the brokenness of my soul. I cry come. The Spirit and the Bride weep and wait...weep and wait...and wonder of Your return. Awaken what's inside of me...tune this heart to the rhythms of Your grace...Your desire. ---KT

So much to love...

Mothers Day..posted a day late..give me a break, it's final exam time around here...

Mom.
Kim. Kimmy.
Ethel.

I love the way you...

love so well, so freely, so sacrificially.
are always laughing.
never complain.
love to snuggle.
are your kids' biggest fan.
hate to shop.
love life.
teach me what it means to a lady.
encourage me to find my identity in my Jesus.
enjoy our time together.
love my Dad.
listen.
treat my friends as if they were your own.
hate the cold.

I love how you are...

so strong, yet your heart is so soft.
a hard-working woman.
a joyful servant.
a quiet leader.
a genuine example of everything you encourage me to be.
a hater of all drama.
driven.
committed.
a woman of your word.

I love the way you love Jesus.
I love the way you love worship.
I love you for the way you choose to love me.
I love that I can call you friend.
I love that you let me hang out in the inner city and love
on the lost.

I love the way you have entrusted me into the hands of our Jesus -
how you have let me freely seek the will of my Father, to
go where He calls me, and to have your blessing
through it all.

My words fail at expressing this love I have for you...
There is so much to love about you Mom.

A Perfect, Lonely Night

"We become violent precisely because we expect more from each other than we can give. When we look for divine solutions in others, we make others into gods and ourselves into demons. Our hands no longer caress but instead grasp. Our lips no longer kiss or form kind words, but bite. Our eyes no longer look expectantly but suspiciously. Our ears do not hear so much as overhear. Every time we think that another person or group of people is finally going to come and take away our fear and anxiety, we will find ourselves frustated that instead of becoming gentle, we become violent.

Community comes from solitude greeting solitude, not lonliness greeting lonliness. Community is birthed from love offering love, not need smashing into need. Otherwise, before you know it...you will find yourself coming not to hold in love but to grab in the intensity of neediness."
--> Henri Nouwen

I love this perfect, lonely night.

For here...in the place solitude...here do I discover the mysteries of You.
And here...as I discover You, Yahweh...I find me.

Right here...as I find me through the discovery of You...I learn to see souls, not just mere people.
And as I stay here...as I look upon the souls of others...I am determined to pray more, and to speak less.

Here...Here as I pray...I cannot help but to fall in love with the people I intercede for.
I remain here...and as I am falling in love with Your people Jesus...my spirit is
stirred, and my heart is overwhelmed as I am being forever ruined for the mission of You.

Yes, I choose to stay here,I love it here.
I love this perfect, lonely night.

Hope

A little background for the entry:
I talk alot about "hope". Hope this, hope that...what does that even mean? So I began to think, to write, to ponder these things...and found that my hope is best defined by what I find myself waiting for...While the things I wait for, I genuinely long for - each one a true, pure desire...sometimes these "waiting issues" dominate this girl...like little gods and demons they control my actions, dictate my thoughts, and sway my heart. I want to be waiting for so much more...

Let me listen.
This stillness makes me uneasy.
Hush the voices that plague and interrupt this mind.
Silence the flesh within me provoking this heart toward sin.
Deafen this ear to the deceit of the devil.
Silence.
A heart exposed, a spirit willing, a mind wearied.
Waiting.
Wash me in the water of Your Word.
I wait.
I will wait longer.
You...You Jesus, are worth so much more than my waiting.
Carry me to the Heavenlies.
Take me away with You.
I will live my life in the waiting, ever watching.
May my days be filled with so much more than waiting for that which is fading...
For certainly I eagerly await much in this story called life.

I wait to know what tomorrow holds.
I wait to receive that diploma and to say one last farewell.
I wait to know where I might journey next...where I might call home.
I wait to spend precious moments with my family.
I wait to visit friends who live far, far away.
I wait to know, to love my husband.
I wait for purpose in the mundane day.
I wait to receive that job I love.
I wait to name my children, to hold that little hand in mine.

Yes, assuredly this life is lived in the waiting. I am a searcher, a seeker... ever reaching to discover the vastness of the unknown mystery of You. Free me to find the beauty disguised in the waiting for so much more than these. You have given me so much more to wait for...to hope for.

I wait to gain the knowledge of You.
I wait to understand the way of Your will.
I wait to realize the deep depth of Your love.
I wait to operate solely by Your Spirit.
I wait to know the answers of the untold.
I wait to dance with You on the streets of gold.
I wait for the wedding feast of Your return.
I wait to spend eternity singing to You.

I will wait, I will wait for the better than...the more than...
I will spend these days waiting to hear from You.
Let me listen.
Let me discern the voice of You, my Love.
You are Hope defined.

No Place I'd Rather Be...

I finally made it back to LA...it has been so sweet to be back at the Dream Center. I have gotten to visit with some of my families in the projects, hang out with the people I served alongside this summer, do several different outreaches, and rest in this place. I have found some time to write and I'm sure I will share soon. Until then, here are a few pictures from this trip.







I'll update you soon beyond just pictures :)

Where are You?

After conversing with one of my 12 year old inner city girls who has been sexually abused...I sit with an ink pen, my journal, tears, and my Bible opened to 1 Peter 1:1-13...and I begin to write:

How I love you O Jesus but tonight I find You nowhere...and I honestly have little desire to find You - but oh how I know I need You and I choose to believe in this moment. Your face is hidden from me today; all these eyes can see is the wretchedness of sin...these ears hear only the lies of Lucifer...this heart feels only the depths of this fallen, sin-ridden world. The dark cloud of injustice evades any sight of Your smile. Though Truth is rooted in the core of my soul, my spirit struggles to believe this day...my own questioning exhausts me.

It is in this moment that I behold your abundant mercy and recognize the magnitude of Your grace...I find myself back at the foot of the cross - encountering grace and healing where there is severe pain and anguish...experiencing resurrection where there is death. My eyes are lifted upward, only to find You still remain despite my unbelief. There You are, there You have been, and there You will remain...pouring out Your blood over that wretched sin, trumping Luficer's lies with the power of Your Truth, freely extending grace upon grace to fallen man. There You are - reigning as the Everlasting Judge...demonstrating justice forevermore; there You illuminate the skies with Your smile and darkness flees. Yes Jesus - there You are, there You have been, and there You will remain.

I hear You say to me..."I have begotten to You Katie, a living hope through the resurrection, My resurrection. I keep for you a glorious inheritance that is incorruptible and undefiled...time has no effect for My Home fadeth not...I have a place just for you My Daughter...until Eternity receives you Katie...know that You are kept by the power of My Father through faith and salvation. Do not forsake these emotions that You are feeling - for I have fashioned you to feel. I too have experienced these very weaknesses and yes, I have overcome each and every one - and so might you. These trials, these questions, these doubts, these uncertainties that you feel - I plead for you to embrace them all...for I am refining your faith, your perspective, your strong will, your sense of control, your love, and your hopes. Kaite, I hope to find you offering praise, honor, and glory to My Name during this season...for I have offered to you joy inexpressible - open your hands, open your heart, and receive it. Glory is sure to follow my Daughter."

It is well with my soul. Find me faithful. How beauitful it is when Your grace and Your justice kiss.