Tainted Love.

My soul begs this one desire...to know the pure, simplicity of Your love.
I consider this...my fragile taste of love:
How dark is thine own heart?
How tainted is my own perspective of love?
How minuscule is thine own hope in this mystery entitled love?
How selfish can thine own love be?
How skewed is thine own experience of love?
How uncertain is thine own love?
How insignificant is thine own offering of love?
How limited is thine own comprehension of love?

My eyes are searching...
My heart is longing...
My spirit yearning...
My mind wondering...
My emotions ever changing...
My affections growing...
As my knowledge of love deepens.
Forevermore.

I see Your shadow through the muck of this world.
...beyond the brokenness
...beyond the anger
...beyond the tears and sorrow
...beyond blissful feelings
...beyond the pleasures of the wine of this age
...beyond the selfish lusts for lovers less wilid
Your love shines through.

So blind these eyes with the light of Your love.
Shield my vision, my heart, and my mind from the weak illusions of love portrayed in
this fallen day.
You alone are the essence of Love.
Oh the width, the length, the depth, the height of Your love - there is none greater.

Only You...it is only You who posesses this sweet fragrance.
Only You...it is only You who pours out this precious oil of unending love upon
this weak, lovesick girl.
I can choose Love today, because You - only You...first loved me.
Evermore I will love only You.

After a Leave of Absence...

Well, if you haven't noticed...I have spent very little time on the computer the past 5 weeks. I have returned. In fact, I just returned to College Station less than 24 hours ago, only to leave again for the weekend to head to Austin for a leadership retreat for inner city planning for the upcoming semester. I have gotten some pretty serious threats, questions, and comments about my lack of blogging - which always makes me laugh, because I never seem to think about people actually reading what I write on here. However, it is encouraging to hear from you those that do read and do miss it when I am not keeping up with it.

I am literally leaving town in fifteen minutes...but just wanted to tell you to stay tuned...I have much to share from my heart. My Jesus is so faithful and this girl is so grateful. Much more to come...including some pictures from my travels !
Until then...consider this:

"Growth in prayer is indicated by a growth in simplicity and steadiness in our attitude. Our conversation with God resembles that with a friend. At first there are a thousand things to be told, and just as many to be asked. After a time, however, these diminish, while the pleasure of being together does not. Everything has been said, but the satisfaction of seeing each other, of feeling that one is near the other, can be felt without conversation. The silence is eloquent and mutually understood. Each feels that the other is in perfect harmony with him, and that their two hearts are continuously being poured into each other, becoming one. It is the same way in prayer. Our communion with God becomes a simple and familiar union, far beyond the need of words." --Francois Fenelon

So I'll let my words be few.

Headed to the Outback...

Yep, that's right. Finals are over. My notes are on my bookshelf. The books have been sold back. I'm pretty sure I pulled a 4.0 this semester, or at least pretty close to it. Whose keeping track though? I'm free.

Grades are the last thing on my mind - I'll be boarding a plane in about 36 hours to head to northern Australia...in the Queensland area. Don't ask me how or why I do the most random things...just so goes my life :) I'm beginning to see a small trend in myself...about every six months I do something really random. Ever felt like you were having a an outer-body experience? Well, that's how I felt when one of my girlfriends (who is currently in grad school and getting her masters in business)called me about two and a half weeks ago. I'll sum up the conversation with one sentence that came from her mouth, "I have two, free, first-class tickets for you and I to go to Australia for nine days."

What?

Yep, that's what I said. Well, it was more like "whaaaaaaat? how? when? why? are you serious? shutup."

So I'm off. Off to be spoiled in first class. Off To summertime in Australia. To a villa on the beach. To see the Great Barrier Reef. To relax. To read. To retreat. To shop. To talk with Aussies. To find Hugh Jackman (go see the movie Australia). To get away from everyone and everything. To stop.

If you know me, or halfway know me...you would know that I headed not to the mall to get some clothes for the trip (not to mention, there are no summer clothes in December anywhere) - but to Barnes & Noble to get some books. Ahhh, the joy of having ample time to read what I want to read outside of my studies of cardiology, human diseases, and exercise physiology. I cannot wait.

From the fullness of His love I have received...one blessing after another.

Sons and Daughters of the Living God

Many of you might recall one of my resolutions from this past summer...to one day adopt. My small group leaders have just recently adopted, and really have incredible hearts for the orphan. They shared this video with me...and I have officially become a Georgia fan in a matter of four minutes. I am convinced there is no better way to understand, capture, or experience the Gospel than through the picture of adoption.



For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:14-15

Hemmed In by this Mystery

It's been awhile, as always...one day I will have time to write freely for hours :) I'm believing the Lord for that. In fact, this past week I actually wrote out in my journal, "Today I just want to be a hippie for the rest of time; get a tattoo, live downtown, become a writer, own a used book store with all the old classics, drink hot tea (which I hate, but I feel like I could learn to like), and wear vintage clothes." Maybe it was a weak moment in the midst of my never-ending studies. Ha...but don't put it past me. Speaking of studies, here I sit at a local book store/coffee shop...with a final exam to take in a few hours....and I'm reading everything but my notes getting particularly excited about Malachi 4.

"For behold, the day is coming, Burning like an oven, And all the proud, yes, all who do wickedly will be stubble. And the day which is coming shall burn them up," Says the Lord of hosts, "That will leave them neither root nor branch. But to you who fear My name The Sun of Righteousness shall arise With healing in His wings; And you shall go out And grow fat like stall-fed calves. You shall trample the wicked, For they shall be ashes under the soles of your feet On the day that I will do this," Says the Lord of hosts.

Amen. Need I say more? He's coming.

Back to the title of this blog. I love mystery, who doesn't really? I love mysterious people. Seriously, I kind of have this weird love for people that I cannot quite figure out. Hiddenness, it's such a beautiful thing...I love the unknown more than most. I love not knowing what's next. . . It envokes searching, longing, wonder, and devout focus. I love the chase. Yet, at the same time - I want to KNOW. My mind is analytical, I'm typically a pretty black and white person, and I love figuring stuff out. I know all that seems contradictory - but I'm weird like that. I think what I'm trying to voice is that in some areas of my life I destroy the wonder of the unknown Mystery in my mind for the sake of logic. Pondering all of this, I came across one of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's writings about this concept:

"Living without mystery means being ignorant of the mystery of our own life, of the mystery of other people, of the mystery of the world. It means passing over our own hiddenness, the hiddenness of other people and the world. It means being superficial. It means taking the world seriously only in so far as it can be calculated and exploited, not going behind the world of calculation and utility. Living without mystery means either failing to see or even denying the decisive matter of life. It means failing to see that the roots of the tree lie in the hidden darkness of the earth, that everything that lives in the light comes form the darkness and hiddenness of a mother's womb, that all of our ideas, all of our spiritual life comes from the same hidden, mysterious darkness of our body, as all of life. That is something we don't want to know. We do not want to be told that mystery is the root of all that can be understood and revealed and explained. And if we are told this, we want to quantify this mystery, calculate and explain it, dissect it. And, the result is that we kill life and do not discover the Mystery."

Enjoy the Mystery today. Quit being so logical. Put aside theology for a moment and simply enjoy Him. Let your heart sing a new melody. May you be lost in intimate wonder, the freedom of searching, and Heavenly imagination this day.

Run Baby Run...

Yesterday, on a whim - Ashley and I decided to run ten miles. It was exhilarating, exhausting, and painful all at once. I don't know what comes over us on these random days of let's kill ourselves in some athletic way. Both of us are extremely competitive...which is probably the only way either of us kept running.

Speaking of running...Mark Driscoll has been running with me lately (via my iPOD)...and I laugh out loud at certain points of my run...I have been studying Ruth and have gone through his six week study of this book...wow. I have read Ruth a million times this past week. Study this romantic love story, study this picture of redemption, study this man with a warrior's heart, study this woman who is marked by lovingkindness.

Now..just a little bit from the heart lately..a jumbled prayer from my journal.

I will soar with You everyday.
You hold me in Your embrace high above this fallen world.
I, by Your love, run through the fields, ripe.
I eat of Your goodness,
Your Words drip with satisfaction upon these lips...
The lightness of Your Spirit carries me adrift,
I gaze upon You
The fire in Your eyes pierces this flesh.
I am exposed
as Your eyes search to and fro
You find me...
a destitute girl
distracted
weary
tossed by the wind
passive
anxious
masked by an impoverished spirit
a faithless being
wallowing in deception
a soul encapsulated by sin
made frail by the lies of this age...
Yet You call out my name
You sing over me
beauty
chosen
lover
Mine
a longing that is undeniable
blessed
strong
bride adorned in white
holiness
redeemed
friend
glorious
hunger for wisdom
revelation for today
a steadfast girl
daughter
one refined
she who is becoming

I want to hear Your heartbeat. Attack the deception of vain imaginations that paralyze this girl. Win the war in my eyes...own my gaze. Find me faithful. Illuminate the skies over my head, let Your glory come down - as we, Your bride and the Spirit cry COME Lord Jesus, COME.

Conversations

Conversations...the stories of my kids...the ones that I love...the ones whom I stand before the Lord on their behalf...the ones that I cry for tonight, the ones that never cease to bring tears to these eyes:

"I spent the night with my grandfather last night. He took all my money and went to the clubs at midnight."

"I am afraid someone is going to take me away forever. Bad people live in my neighborhood."

"You don't understand, I'm black Katie."

"I've been angry ever since I was a child. It's just the way I am, and it's who I'll always be. Angry."

"My teacher is racist."

"She (40 yr old woman) called the cops because I snapped and cursed her out. I was about to beat her up; I don't like her daughter. My mom got all up in her face."

"There is a man that lives in the Projects that lures kids in with Popsicles and candy...and abuses them. He goes by "Coach"."

"My sister is 16. She gave birth to a baby boy on Tuesday."

"My boyfriend just got out of jail."

"My lesbian girlfriend cheated on me with a boy...now she's pregnant. What do I do?"

"I stay at school as long as I can...I don't want to go home because I hate my mom's boyfriend."

My heart aches. My spirit is overwhelmed. These are the ones the Lord has entrusted into my hands this year - may I understand the weight of that responsibility...I believe in them...no, it's not always easy - Most days its the hardest thing I've ever done. Pray for them, I plead with you.


Ezekiel 16. I absolutely love it. God's love for His chosen people. How He loves Jerusalem. It's the story of me. I feel things moving in the spirit realm when I read these words in Ezekiel. A couple of words/phrases that the Lord has continually etched upon my heart the past 3 months....ZEALOUS, COVENANT, ALLURE, RESTORATION, FAITHFUL to the FAITHLESS, LIFE, and LONGING to LONG again.
More to come on all of these...stay tuned.

As for everyday, written in short, quick sentences....I think fall is my favorite time of the year. I love the cold weather. I cannot wait to wear hats, scarves, and jackets. I've been in a very domestic phase lately - I cook all the time and I love it. I'm counting down the days till OneThing 08 in KC. I am headed to Dallas this weekend for the State Fair with some friends...please note, I HATE the fair and I can't make myself get excited about fried oreos, fried twinkies, or corndogs -- and I won't apologize for that :) No doubt we will have fun though! The international house of prayer webcast is always playing in my room. My dad left me a voicemail tonight that made me cry, he was just saying hey and that he loves me. I LOVE the holiday season. All of my friends are now dating someone, must be that senior year deal. Aggie football is horrible and boring this year. I have turned into somewhat of a blog stalker - Hollie Hixson, you win. I started going to a new hope group led by worship minister and his wife --it's going to be a good year. I consider myself a cardiologist - seriously ask me anything, bring me your ECG and I'll explain it to you. My classes sometimes scare me...Abnormal Psych convinced me I was schizophrenic, my Cardiology class has convinced me I have congestive heart failure or I will die from heart disease eventually, Human Diseases makes me wonder how I'm still alive...I'm just saying.

Until that Day...